It’s time for Thanksgiving break. I expect a lot of things to happen in this short period of time…more so on the lines of places where I stand with a lot of people. Most importantly him. I don’t know how this meeting is gonna go b|c every time I talk to him he says he’s going to fix us but I don’t think I want to fix it. I feel like this little talk is gonna be a waste of my time. Time that could be sent with someone I actually like. I think that he thinks that he can fix us with money. He keeps throwing it in my face. Don’t get me wrong, money is great in all but that’s not how I want to form my relationship b|c at the end of the day, when the money is gone, all we have is each other. So if we base our relationship on that, what will be left? Now if he just had a relationship where he just gives me money just b|c, no strings attached, then I wouldn’t complain but I don’t want to be attached to someone I can’t stand to be around. That would be so stupid of me.
I talked to my mom about it and she said to take someone with me to this talk b|c she doesn’t trust him. She thinks he’s crazy, really. I kinda think the same thing…we’ll see tho. My mind is just going over what I want to say to him, what I want to do to him. If the talk doesn’t go like I planned…I don’t know what I would do. I need a break from him. I need to go a long time w|o talking to him.
On to lighter news…I get to see the guys I want to spend time with. They’re like my friends…but some of them are more. My little Periwinkle is the one I would like to see the most. I miss him so much. I just smile every time I think about him…Then there’s Lamarr…Lamarr, Lamarr, Lamarr. I just don’t know how to feel about him anymore but I will soon find out. Last but not least, Toni. Toni is a complicated case…he’s in a relationship. I like him, he likes me, but I’ve managed to suppress those feelings out of respect for his girl and to protect myself from getting hurt. Anyways this break should be good, despite anything that might happen. I get to see old friends from my private school. Yea, I’m gonna make the best out of this b|c it’s time for a break…
I’m so confused. I feel like I’m falling and I can’t catch myself…You know like when you have the “falling off a cliff” dream, but this time I can’t wake myself up.
My mind is empty but yet…I’m so lost.
I can’t breathe. Every time I think about him, I can’t catch my breath. He makes me so angry. I can’t breath. The lies, all of the lies…it’s as if they’re piling on my chest. I tried to tell him how I feel but it’s like he doesn’t listen. Everything I say goes in one ear and out the other. Man I swear, it’s like talking to a brick wall all the fucking time. Then he tries to justify all his actions and I’m like “boy please!” Everything out his mouth sounds like a lie…I’m not sure what to even believe anymore. He said he loves me. I laughed. He got upset but I’m sorry, I can’t believe it. His actions just say otherwise, smh. I wish I could believe him. I really do.
We go home for Thanksgiving break next Tuesday (thank God!) and he wants to see me on Wednesday. I had planned on going to see him anyway, so that really wasn’t a problem. He says he has something to tell me. It’s probably that he’s getting deployed soon, that he wants me to hold him down while he’s gone…Well I have some news for him. I can’t do that. We’re not even together! I’ve “holding him down” for TWO YEARS now and all I’ve gotten was heartache and pain…lots and lots of sad tears that should have never fallen from my eyes if he “loved” me. I’ve went through so much for HIM and he says he’s thankful, that I just don’t know how much I’ve changed him for the better…I’m happy for him, I really am…but just how he’s changed for the better, I’ve changed for the worse. I angry all the time. I can’t focus for the world. When I see him I’m giving him everything back. I need to clean myself of him. I need my life back. I need the old me back…Hopefully I can go through with it because some part of me, a super small part of me, doesn’t want to let go. She loves him or at least wants to, wants to believe that he’s really gonna change, that things really will get better…But why would she want hold on to something that’s tearing your life apart?
I can’t breathe. I can’t catch my breath. I’m falling…