Falling

1:27 a.m.

I’m so confused.  I feel like I’m falling and I can’t catch myself…You know like when you have the “falling off a cliff” dream, but this time I can’t wake myself up.

My mind is empty but yet…I’m so lost.

1:30 a.m.

I can’t breathe.  Every time I think about him, I can’t catch my breath.  He makes me so angry.  I can’t breath.  The lies, all of the lies…it’s as if they’re piling on my chest.  I tried to tell him how I feel but it’s like he doesn’t listen.  Everything I say goes in one ear and out the other.  Man I swear, it’s like talking to a brick wall all the fucking time.  Then he tries to justify all his actions and I’m like “boy please!”  Everything out his mouth sounds like a lie…I’m not sure what to even believe anymore.  He said he loves me.  I laughed.  He got upset but I’m sorry, I can’t believe it.  His actions just say otherwise, smh.  I wish I could believe him.  I really do.

We go home for Thanksgiving break next Tuesday (thank God!) and he wants to see me on Wednesday.  I had planned on going to see him anyway, so that really wasn’t a problem.  He says he has something to tell me.  It’s probably that he’s getting deployed soon, that he wants me to hold him down while he’s gone…Well I have some news for him.  I can’t do that.  We’re not even together!  I’ve “holding him down” for TWO YEARS now and all I’ve gotten was heartache and pain…lots and lots of sad tears that should have never fallen from my eyes if he “loved” me.  I’ve went through so much for HIM and he says he’s thankful, that I just don’t know how much I’ve changed him for the better…I’m happy for him, I really am…but just how he’s changed for the better, I’ve changed for the worse.  I angry all the time.  I can’t focus for the world.  When I see him I’m giving him everything back.  I need to clean myself of him.  I need my life back.  I need the old me back…Hopefully I can go through with it because some part of me, a super small part of me, doesn’t want to let go.  She loves him or at least wants to, wants to believe that he’s really gonna change, that things really will get better…But why would she want hold on to something that’s tearing your life apart?

2:17 a.m.

I can’t breathe.  I can’t catch my breath.  I’m falling…

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