Catch-up Like Mayonnaise

It’s been a while, I know.  We have a lot of catching up to do. This might take a few posts now that I think about it. Well, here we go…

I think that last time I left off at Thanksgiving break…that was a long time ago.  I think I’m gonna start off with all the old stuff;  what I had went home for to set right.

Periwinkle

I love him.  I do…but we would never work.  He doesn’t feel there is a need for him to talk to me.  Always wants me to hit him up first…uhh, that’s not how it goes.  Sorry.  I wish it could be different between me and him.  Over Thanksgiving break I think I saw him once.  We had sex.  It was ok I guess…brought a lot of feelings to the surface.  Then we talked the whole time after I went back to school.  Christmas break, I spent most of my free time with him.  He comforted me after my “accident.”  When it was time for me to leave…it was a tearful goodbye.  I didn’t want to leave him…but when I got back to school it all fell apart.  We barely ever talk.  I hate that.  He gets mad at me like its my fault…the phone works both ways boo.  I love him.  Just writing this makes me love-sick.  I love him but we can’t be.

Lamarr

I love him.  I know it’s crazy…how can I be in love with two people at once?  But I’m not in love with him…not anymore.  He broke my heart.  Crazy thing is I knew it would happen eventually just not so suddenly. Let me rewind a little.  A few weeks before t.b. we had a storm at school so me and my best friend/roommate decided to go home.  During that weekend I went to his house.  We had a good time like always.  So on the way home he invited me over for Thanksgiving and over course I said yea.  So it’s t.b. and I haven’t talked to him in a while so I figured he’ll text me before the day…but he didn’t.  I’m sitting at my grandma’s house in the backroom with my loves/cousins scrolling through Instagram…and do you know what I see? Him, at his house, for thanksgiving, with another girl! Let me rewind again.  When me and Lamarr started talking he had told me about this other girl that he had feelings for.  It was no biggie b|c I had feelings for someone else at the time too.  So everything was going great.  I told him, if at any point he was feeling someone else more than he was feeling me to let me know and he agreed.  Alright, whole time during this thing we have we were talking about this one girl I’m helping him through their problems (crazy I know, but that’s just how I am…sucks ass) and what not making their relationship.  All the time making our relationship stronger…he left out the part where he liked her more than me.  Back to thanksgiving…She’s at his house and I see is them looking lovingly into each others eyes.  I didn’t know what to do.  I showed the picture to my cousins and before they could even get a word out their mouths, I started to cry.  I have never cried about a guy since I was with my ex.  So something wasn’t right.  They kept telling me it’s ok, that I could do better but in my head…he was better.  He was the best so far.  He was like my friend…a really good friend.  I felt like I had lost him.  After that day I deleted his number from my phone and I refrained from texting him. Christmas break rolled around and he hit me up one day.  I didn’t know who it was at first but I figured it out.  He asked if I wanted to come over.  I thought about it for a while and ended up going.  We were watching a movie but the whole time I kept thinking how am I gonna ask him about her?  He tried to touch me but I kept moving away.  He asked me what was wrong and I said nothing.  On the ride home I just kept looking at him trying not to cry.  Then this song came on…I can’t remember the words right now but it was like the radio knew my heart; felt my pain.  Then he looked at me and I asked him who he had invited over for dinner first.  He pretended like he didn’t understand the question.  So I repeated the question.  He was quiet for a minute, then he said I honestly don’t know.  I shook my head and said ok.  He looked at me puzzled.  Then everything just came out…how mad I was, how this couldn’t work, how much I understood why he liked her (that part I lied about).  I got ready to get out the car, turned around, kissed him on the forehead and left.  He hollered behind me to text.  I didn’t know if I would.  He texted me tho. Asking me not to give up on us and all that bullshit…that was the end for a while.  They got each other something for Christmas…that was the real breaking point.  recently he called me and we talked for a while.  I must admit it was nice…he said he loved me.  I told him I had mad love for him but I was not in love with him anymore.  We’re friends now so I guess all it is well for now. And as for him and that girl…he said they aren’t how they used to me.  My response…WHAT THE FUCK EVER!

Toni

We’re cool.  I still feel the same way about him but I’m not as into him.  That’s a good thing for us.

Him

Nothing ever gets through to him.  He just doesn’t understand how much I don’t want to be with him.  I just can’t.  Everyday its a new tweet from him about how much he loves me, how hard he fucks with me, how much he misses me, how much I piss him off…and the list goes fucking on.  I’m tired of arguing with him about how we won’t work.  Extremely tired.

Time for a break…

It’s time for Thanksgiving break.  I expect a lot of things to happen in this short period of time…more so on the lines of places where I stand with a lot of people.  Most importantly him.  I don’t know how this meeting is gonna go b|c every time I talk to him he says he’s going to fix us but I don’t think I want to fix it.  I feel like this little talk is gonna be a waste of my time.  Time that could be sent with someone I actually like.  I think that he thinks that he can fix us with money.  He keeps throwing it in my face.  Don’t get me wrong, money is great in all but that’s not how I want to form my relationship b|c at the end of the day, when the money is gone, all we have is each other.  So if we base our relationship on that, what will be left?  Now if he just had a relationship where he just gives me money just b|c, no strings attached, then I wouldn’t complain but I don’t want to be attached to someone I can’t stand to be around.  That would be so stupid of me.

I talked to my mom about it and she said to take someone with me to this talk b|c she doesn’t trust him.  She thinks he’s crazy, really.  I kinda think the same thing…we’ll see tho.  My mind is just going over what I want to say to him, what I want to do to him.  If the talk doesn’t go like I planned…I don’t know what I would do.  I need a break from him.  I need to go a long time w|o talking to him.

On to lighter news…I get to see the guys I want to spend time with.  They’re like my friends…but some of them are more.  My little Periwinkle is the one I would like to see the most.  I miss him so much.  I just smile every time I think about him…Then there’s Lamarr…Lamarr, Lamarr, Lamarr.  I just don’t know how to feel about him anymore but I will soon find out.  Last but not least, Toni.  Toni is a complicated case…he’s in a relationship.  I like him, he likes me, but I’ve managed to suppress those feelings out of respect for his girl and to protect myself from getting hurt.  Anyways this break should be good, despite anything that might happen.  I get to see old friends from my private school.  Yea, I’m gonna make the best out of this b|c it’s time for a break…

Falling

1:27 a.m.

I’m so confused.  I feel like I’m falling and I can’t catch myself…You know like when you have the “falling off a cliff” dream, but this time I can’t wake myself up.

My mind is empty but yet…I’m so lost.

1:30 a.m.

I can’t breathe.  Every time I think about him, I can’t catch my breath.  He makes me so angry.  I can’t breath.  The lies, all of the lies…it’s as if they’re piling on my chest.  I tried to tell him how I feel but it’s like he doesn’t listen.  Everything I say goes in one ear and out the other.  Man I swear, it’s like talking to a brick wall all the fucking time.  Then he tries to justify all his actions and I’m like “boy please!”  Everything out his mouth sounds like a lie…I’m not sure what to even believe anymore.  He said he loves me.  I laughed.  He got upset but I’m sorry, I can’t believe it.  His actions just say otherwise, smh.  I wish I could believe him.  I really do.

We go home for Thanksgiving break next Tuesday (thank God!) and he wants to see me on Wednesday.  I had planned on going to see him anyway, so that really wasn’t a problem.  He says he has something to tell me.  It’s probably that he’s getting deployed soon, that he wants me to hold him down while he’s gone…Well I have some news for him.  I can’t do that.  We’re not even together!  I’ve “holding him down” for TWO YEARS now and all I’ve gotten was heartache and pain…lots and lots of sad tears that should have never fallen from my eyes if he “loved” me.  I’ve went through so much for HIM and he says he’s thankful, that I just don’t know how much I’ve changed him for the better…I’m happy for him, I really am…but just how he’s changed for the better, I’ve changed for the worse.  I angry all the time.  I can’t focus for the world.  When I see him I’m giving him everything back.  I need to clean myself of him.  I need my life back.  I need the old me back…Hopefully I can go through with it because some part of me, a super small part of me, doesn’t want to let go.  She loves him or at least wants to, wants to believe that he’s really gonna change, that things really will get better…But why would she want hold on to something that’s tearing your life apart?

2:17 a.m.

I can’t breathe.  I can’t catch my breath.  I’m falling…